I am he as you are he

For my program at TESC, The Authentic Self, I was supposed to write my autobiography. After reading it, AnnaLisa suggested that I post excerpts of it to the blog. I have been wanting to write something since it started, but it usually comes down to writing a blog or doing my homework. I am thankful I was assigned something that I hope can be helpful here.

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We're not here because we're free; we're here because we're not free. There's no escaping reason, no denying purpose, because as we both know, without purpose, we would not exist. (Agent Smith, The Matrix Reloaded. 2003.)

Because I spent so long doing what acting how other people (parents, peers) wanted me to, the development of my individuality was stunted for most of my life. Even parts of my life as simple as my music tastes were nothing more than a mimicry of what I was seeing around me. 

More complicated realizations, like that of sexuality, were wholly life consuming processes that hit me in one jaw-dropping instant. I am the only non-heterosexual in my family, and the fact that I grew up believing queer people were literally going to burn in the fiery pits of hell, didn't make my realization any easier. I don't know if the realization of my sexuality is what started my awareness or if my awareness started the realizations. 

What I do know is that at some point I finally started listening to my body and listening to my thoughts. My thoughts, I realized, are not put into my head from someone externally whispering them into my ear, but are instead a culmination of my experiences mixed with current circumstance. The moment I reached that conclusion, I guess I realized I had some sort of individual identity. I would classify that as a break through moment. It was a realization that changed my life forever.

When asked the question: What do I want? I find it hard to answer anything except that I want to be joyful across all circumstances. I want to be fully aware of what I am learning from both each new experience and the repetitive old ones. I want to be happy in any and all situations I may find myself in.

I've never really been seriously concerned with what my job or career will be. I mean, I just want one that will make me happy. I want to do something every day that is important to me and that I enjoy.

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. (I Am the Walrus, The Beatles. 1963.)

Everything about unity consciousness makes sense to me. My level of awareness in this particular experience (which I call my life) is positively correlated with how often I choose to be aware with only the purpose of being aware.

So many things, events, beliefs, situations, circumstances happen solely because of my intentions, whether joyful or destructive. Some of my strongest intentions may have even gone most of my life without any sort of recognition or verbalization. But, my awareness is increasing from basically nothing, autopilot, being plugged in, inactivity, ect., to a level full of intention and choice.

I am in control of my own life. I am the only person in charge of creating my own happiness. No one is going to do it for me. 

Having lived most of my life fulfilling the expectations others have set forth for me, the previous statements are mind blowing realizations; they are ones I hope to build my life upon.